I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You are a genius and a whore.
A bitchslap is in order.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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