Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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