I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
