I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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