i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
