she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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