he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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