Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
