Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
