We won't sleep together?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
