I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
