He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
