So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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