Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
