Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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