The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
