idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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