My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
