life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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