Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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