That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
