so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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