It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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