No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize