Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
