If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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