i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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