my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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