shes about as inviting as chlamydia
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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