Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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