Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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