and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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