i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Two words: blizzard sex
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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