Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
