R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
tell your sister to shave her snatch
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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