PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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