I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
