i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
