Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
