I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
