I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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