mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
