i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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