last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
