I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You've changed since you got that strap on
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
