we have pet lesbian snakes
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
