Small penises have feelings too.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
