Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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