you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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