my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
