I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
