she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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