Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
