I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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