You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
